The maid of honor just puked.
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
