Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
