Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
