He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just pee around me
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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