So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Found the puke drawer
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
