found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
