Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
