Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
