his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
