Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
