i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
