Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
