I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
