just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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