just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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