3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
