You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
