I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
