Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
