in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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