Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
