The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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