you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
