I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
