You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
