do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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