I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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