Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
