Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
