he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
