if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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