Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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