they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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