it hurts more in the daytime
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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