On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
