if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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