I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Send help, water and tortillas.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
