shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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