Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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