I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
