I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i drank out of a bidet.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
