I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
