I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
