they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
