that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
