what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
