omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
