matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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