Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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