I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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